74 Thoughts I Had Watching Episode 1 of ‘Age of Attraction’ on Netflix

I used to be automatically suspicious of age-gap relationships, but now that I’m single again, I’ve chilled out on the judgment (for the most part) and embraced the low-key romance of the song “Rock Me” by Liz Phair, about the simple joys of dating a younger man as an older, more accomplished woman: “I wanna play X-Box on your floor / Say hi to your roommate who’s next door / You don’t have a dime /But I don’t mind, who gives a damn?” (I mean, I don’t want to play X-Box on anybody’s floor, but I digress.)

Enter: Age of Attraction, Netflix’s buzzy new reality series about age-gap couples living, laughing, loving, and having to explain memes to each other. Below, find (quite literally) every thought I had about the show’s first episode, titled “Is Age Just a Number?”:

1. This little plane flying over the mountains is stressing me out, given that I just watched the Love Story finale.
2. Tea, Theresa. Sometimes men that are your age…are worse!
3. I hope Pfeifer’s experience dating older men is good, but I kind of want her to be with someone who disregards her for being too young. Those are the good ones, I fear!
4. Sort of a Catch-22 therein, I admit.
5. “When are you retiring?” to a 40-year-old? Jail.
6. Jorge is absolutely right that the dating world is trash.
7. Should I go on this show?
8. Oh no, at least one of these girls reminds me of my little cousin and now I want to protect her from ever having her heart broken (or even dented).
9. Okay, the cousin-reminder’s name is Libby.
10. Nobody hurt Libby!!!
11. Ooh, the hosts are 18 years apart?
12. And they met in the DMs?
13. Somebody drop the skincare routine, because they both look 24—which, mathematically, they can’t both be.
14. The only question you can’t ask: “How old are you?” Fair enough!
15. Oh, so everybody’s dating everyone else here?
16. And they’re all straight, got it.
17. Or, at least, straight for the purposes of this show.
18. A shame, because I famously love age-gap lesbians.
19. You know what? Yes, girl, ask how much money he makes! No broke boys, no new friends!
20. “I’m not looking to attract men within my age range because they’re usually super-immature,” sayeth Libby.
21. I mean, maybe she and I could do a little cultural exchange where she dates the 32-year-old wastemen my age and I date her mid-20s peers?
22. We love a Swiftie with boundaries.
23. “I could date you or your mom, and I’m open to both.” I mean, I agree, but I’m scared of Tristan.
24. LOL at his MILF root being “the first time I saw Kim Zolciak in a church parking lot.”
25. This blonde woman in a red top looks like a Chloe Fineman character.
26. This girl is correct in calling most older men “predatory.”
27. Again, the good ones want women their own age!
28. “I’m John, I’m a hugger.” Ugh.
29. Not John saying Katharine “looks like a Bond villain.” Oh, what, like you’re so great, John?!?
30. The female host is low-key gorgeous!
31. Are there age minimums and maximums on this show?
32. And if so, is the age minimum…18? I feel like it should maybe be a ladylike 24 or so.
33. These are things I could look up, but I prefer to wonder.
34. I really do not find men who have cats to be hot.
35. But that’s my baggage!
36. Ooh, this gravelly voiced guy Justin is kind of hot, and Vanelle seems to agree.
37. I like it when men have baby fever 🙂
38. Although this guy is kind of taking it in a depressing direction.
39. “She is typically who I date: blonde, good-looking, fun.” Well, aren’t you a unique tastemaker!
40. Gentlemen really do prefer blondes, huh?
41. I simply do not like this two-kids douchebag whose name I forget.
42. To be clear, having two (or more, or fewer) kids is fine, it’s his ’tude I dislike.
43. I want better for Libby, the boundaried Swiftie!
44. The way that I do not want “a dominant leader” (when it comes to men, anyway).
45. “I’m surprised you’re single” is such a nice thing to hear.
46. I’m bored.
47. Sorry.
48. I feel like Holden in The Catcher in the Rye. I just want to catch these women!!!!!!!
49. Ooh, first makeout!
50. I think.
51. Imagining answering the question, “What does your dad do?” with: “He’s currently on an age-gap Netflix reality show.”
52. Ooh, wine on a hilltop!
53. What city are they in?
54. Once again, I refuse to google.
55. Wait, they just said it: Pemberton, British Columbia!
56. Kind of randomista, but beautiful.
57. “Do you have mommy issues?” Get his ass!
58. I mean…don’t we all?
59. Okay, Tristan maybe more than most.
60. French braids in your 40s is a wild look.
61. Second makeout!
62. “Kissing him is amazing.”
63. Careful, Theresa; that way lies a crashout of epic proportions.
64. Kiss three!!!!!!!!!
65. Oh, Vanelle, I’d fall head over heels for Justin too.
66. Obvious emotional damage and a salt-and-pepper beard?
67. We all need to take a group trip to girl hospital. I’ll drive.
68. I do not love the concept of “the Promise Room.”
69. I mean, are these men ready for relationships? Or are they just MILF-appreciators?
70. The ring of it all…woof.
71. Aw, a ring match!
72. Okay, I hate this slightly less.
73. Okay, he’s 27! Whatever!
74. Well, I’m locked the hell in for the rest of this season, whatever humiliations it may bring.