‘Love Story: John F. Kennedy Jr. & Carolyn Bessette’: 72 Thoughts I Had About About Episode 7

Well, gang, now that we’ve had our fun with CBK’s minimalist little outfits, Ethel Kennedy being mean as hell, and the Narciso Rodriguez wedding dress, it’s time for the inevitable bummer sequence of John F. Kennedy Jr. and Carolyn Bessette’s relationship: the part where paparazzi insanity drives a wedge between the lovebirds and basically keeps Carolyn confined to their loft, which is really giving The Yellow Wallpaper. (I recently read Once Upon a Time: The Captivating Life of Carolyn Bessette-Kennedy, the book that Love Story was based on, so I can vouch that this did really happen to some degree, though I’m still stressed to see it play out onscreen!)

Let’s dive into Season 1, Episode 7 of Love Story, shall we? And, while we’re at it, I’d like to submit prolific female serial killer Aileen Wuornos and her girlfriend Tyria Moore for consideration next season. What they had genuinely seemed real, and it’s giving American Horror Story-slash-Love Story crossover. Anyway:

1. Aw, John and Carolyn are back from their honeymoon!
2. And Carolyn’s in a chic little hair scarf!
3. So Slavic-core.
4. Do married people really just repeat “You’re my wife”/”I’m your wife” to each other?
5. Ugh, the paps are so gross.
6. Where’s Chappell Roan when you need her?
7. Okay, I have a question: Why don’t these extremely famous people have a fucking doorman?
8. Or private security, for that matter?
9. Carolyn’s back in her fab white roll-neck, and all is right with the world.
10. Well, not everything; John tries to get the paparazzi to back off, but in classic himbo fashion, he just ends up making everything worse.
11. I love Sarah Pidgeon in a low ponytail.
12. These freaks are camping out on the car?
13. Again, not to victim-blame, but…y’all need a bodyguard!
14. Okay, the shade at the pillow that Caroline gave them for their wedding seems unnecessarily ahistorical, because according to Once Upon a Time, it was actually a really nice gift!
15. Carolyn interviewing at Ralph Lauren? Get after it, Rachel Greene!
16. Sorry, but I don’t believe that paparazzi outside would be a dealbreaker for the hiring managers at Ralph Lauren.
17. Like, what luxury brand doesn’t want a gorgeous, famous, and smart blonde Kennedy working for them?
18. Vogue mentioned!
19. My ears are burning.
20. It is kind of bullshit that George wants Carolyn’s image, but not her input.
21. Oy vey, Anthony Radziwill cancer plotline.
22. Men are so annoying about wanting to fix everything.
23. Like, don’t call Ralph Lauren! Just listen to your wife!
24. Wait, is this Carolyn’s iconic Yohji cardigan?
25. Damn, John, let Ed get his HBO bag!
26. Thwarted JFK HBO documentary, I’m sorry I was not your viewer.
27. Not John basically calling his sister a flop!
28. He actually was so craziana for that Drew Barrymore-as-Marilyn George cover.
29. Sydney Lemmon is so fun as Lauren Bessette.
30. Like, I actually buy the sisterly bitchiness and fun between these two.
31. It is extremely sad to watch the life force getting sapped from Carolyn so soon after their wedding.
32. Yeah, why did John tell the press Carolyn’s no longer a private citizen?
33. Obsessed with Anthony using his illness as a pretext to get Carolyn out of the world’s most annoying-seeming conversation with a bunch of “witches of East Hampton,” as he calls them.
34. Oh, yeah, Lee Radziwill and Carolyn and the hair clips!
35. What a fun broad.
36. Carolyn is a good sport, because truly, one uncomfortable Kennedy dinner and I’d be running down Fifth Avenue screaming and tearing at my hair.
37. Oop, is John mulling a senatorial run?
38. I mean, why did Carolyn bring one of Caroline’s kids down to the paparazzi zone?
39. I do feel like Caroline is being quite unfair about Carolyn’s paparazzi magnetism, though.
40. Like, lock a girl up for being pretty and chic!
41. “I didn’t choose this, Carolyn.” Brutal.
42. Obsessed with Carolyn taking literally any excuse to neg John.
43. Men love that shit!
44. Or so I’ve heard.
45. Now what in God’s name is John wearing on his head?
46. That’s, like, a Kangol-plus.
47. Not these pathetic paps whining about how they haven’t seen Carolyn all week!
48. Gee, wonder why.
49. “Spoiled in the City” ref!
50. LOL, I forgot John made a cameo on Murphy Brown.
51. “A woman’s mind is an ocean of secrets.”
52. Tea, I fear, though not really what you want to hear from your psychiatrist.
53. You know, Grace Gummer is really giving this fairly one-note characterization dimension with her obvious love and support for her husband.
54. Is it “dwelling,” John, or is it, once again, simply listening?
55. “Her relationship with the press won’t change until yours does” is spot-on.
56. Ugh, to be a ‘90s girl meeting her sister for lunch at Bubby’s.
57. “Did I buy that for you?” is the ultimate fashion-girl sartorial compliment.
58. Never forget that Lauren Bessette was one of the original girlbosses!
59. Oh no, even Carolyn’s nana is reading the tabloids?
60. “Addicted to Prozac,” LOL.
61. I mean, by that metric, I guess I’m “addicted” to Lexapro!
62. And proud of it!
63. Honestly…all women should sue all men (especially paparazzi) all the time.
64. Or…murder them?
65. Again, I find myself looping back to Aileen Wuornos!
66. Oh, big-time Emmy for Sarah Pidgeon for this scene of Carolyn crying to John on the floor.
67. “I’m so tired.” My heart is breaking!
68. Honestly, if John didn’t break at least one paparazzo’s camera after all this…
69. This physical fight with Michael was a long time coming.
70. John, don’t make the media circus even worse by going into politics!
71. I mean…I guess he ultimately didn’t.
72. 🙁