It’s time for the wedding of the season—no, not Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce’s, but cursed Euphoria sweethearts Nate and Cassie’s, which Cassie has been dutifully OnlyFans-ing to afford all season long. (Am I the only one still haunted by visions of her posing in her dog costume to the strains of “Doggie in the Window”?)
Below, find quite literally every thought that came to my mind while watching Season 3, Episode 3 of Euphoria:
- Wow, a pants-free Jules smoking while painting a female nude is so Portrait of a Lady on Fire.
- I love Jules having new and exciting friends who aren’t from high school!
- Even if they’re turning her on to a life of mild crime via sugaring.
- As Jules says, “Anything’s better than retail.”
- “I don’t normally do this kind of thing,” said every repeat sex-work client ever.
- I guess a nylon fetish isn’t the worst thing out there, relatively speaking.
- “That’s why you’re poreless. Never went through puberty.” Barf.
- It’s giving corny-ass chaser!
- Living off $750 a month…oh, diva.
- This reminds me of Adam from Girls saying, “My grandma gives me $800 a month, and I supplement.”
- God, Hunter Schafer is so dramatically beautiful.
- Okay, really putting the “plastic” in “plastic surgeon,” aren’t we?
- Rosalía!
- In a psycho little spiral-fringe bikini!
- Rue explaining guns…how The Drama-core.
- Uh-oh, it’s the pig!
- Okay, I feel like this shot of a stripper getting pig blood all over her was very wannabe-Tarantino and unnecessary.
- Unfortunately, Laurie saying “You’re my perfect little baby guy” to her parrot is very me talking to my dog.
- The concept of Cassie and Nate not only inviting Rue to their wedding, but also giving her a plus-one…
- Maybe if they’d tightened that guest list they could have afforded the good flowers sans OnlyFans!
- Just saying.
- Oh, hell yes, we love to see Maddy turning up for this wedding looking wildly inappropriate and hot as hell.
- Cassie’s in Wiederhoeft, which tracks.
- Speaking of looking magnificent and nuptially inappropriate……….ladies and gentlemen, Jules!
- I mean, when attending your former secret hookup’s son’s wedding, dress to kill, right?
- Do people still hyperventilate into paper bags?
- Aw, there’s Lexi! In the worst dress ever!
- Make that three of the worst dresses ever, since the bridesmaids are all dressed the same, and honestly, I would expect nothing less of Cassie.
- This mother-of-the-bride monologue capped off by Cassie’s mom hissing “You are my masterpiece” is so Black Swan.
- Wow, I can’t believe they actually got married.
- LOL, Maddy two seconds after I wrote that: “I can’t believe they actually got married.”
- That’s my spiritual twin!
- Rue’s kind of serving in that suit, even if it is a little Miami Vice.
- I’d love to see her in, like, Thom Browne, but granted, that’s not really on-brand (or in her current budget).
- BB’s belly-baring pregnancy dress is everything to me.
- “I just wish everyone didn’t think I was a pedo.” Well…don’t sleep with underage people? Simple as!
- This Maddy slander! I won’t stand for it.
- “Don’t you think it’s a little foolish to throw such a lavish wedding when you owe so many people money?” Speak on it, Naz!
- Jesus, these horror-movie close-ups of Cassie and Lexi.
- “I do not want to downsize” feels spiritually linked to Big Little Lies’s “I will not not be rich.”
- Cassie visibly crying her way through this cheesy-as-hell choreographed wedding dance is wild.
- How long has Rue been driving?
- To quote Cher Horowitz’s dad, “Everything in LA takes 20 minutes!”
- I’m so glad I’m on my couch and not at a toxic couple’s wedding right now.
- I mean, diva, nobody told you to invest your kids’ college funds with dumbass Nate!
- Is it super-necessary to say “Gun” when you’re, you know, holding a gun?
- Lexi, confirmed virgin!
- “It’s better than herpes.”
- I mean…depends who you ask!
- Cassie pissily wearing her veil in the limo is kind of a slay.
- “I’m going to make love to you. If that’s okay.” I mean, we love consent culture and all, Nate, but…ew.
- I’m admittedly not a bird person, but that is a pretty cute parrot.
- Oy vey, can’t say that I’m loving this beating scene, although Cassie freaking out over her nosebleed while her husband gets the shit kicked out of him in the background is making me LOL.
- RIP, bird.
